Share Your Experiences…with the World

From my experience, writing a eulogy can be very difficult. I have had to write two eulogies in the past few years. The first was for my aunt who I thought the world of and loved being around very much. She lost a very long battle with cancer and that was just one of the many reasons I respected her so much. A few weeks ago I wrote my second eulogy and this time it was for my grandmother who was 98 and was in many ways like a second mother to me.

Both times I spent a day thinking about the person and what they meant to me and then the following day I wrote down any thoughts that stayed with me. Well, not thoughts, but memories, quotes, and stolen moments that only I recalled. I believe that is what makes the eulogy personal, your own perspective. Giving the mourners at the funeral your personal view of the the loved one lets them see the deceased in a new light. It gives them your memories and expands on their own when they see similarities in your stories about them.

I also believe you must mention what made them who they were, their strengths, their beliefs, what was important to them. Sharing you own views is important, but connecting the entire group of mourners is also important. When I wrote my grandmother’s eulogy I wanted everyone there to know the incredible person she was. If they had forgotten or maybe didn’t know her very well, I made sure they left knowing this was a lady who truly left the world a better place then when she found it.

While writing both eulogies I realize how hard it is but also it is very cathartic for the writer. I wrote both of them in a day and put it away until the next day and then added more and did some editing. The strange thing is you get lost in the writing and almost forget what you are doing: writing your final goodbye of a loved one.

I wrote the eulogy for my grandmother and didn’t cry once. I thought to myself I am okay with this now. I then asked to read it to my wife to get her opinion. I couldn’t make it to the fourth word before the tears came. I had to stop several more times to compose myself as I read it for the first time. A little shocked at my response, I had to read it again to see if I could make it through. I did a little better and then read it a dozen times after than so I could hopefully do better at the funeral service.

Well, I did do better and only stopped twice when the tears were too much to hold back. But in the midst of the tears there was also laughter and joy for her life and the zest with which she lived it. I’m sure other people will be caught off guard and be asked to speak as I was the first time for my aunt, but I hope these tips will help during such an emotionally difficult time.

Take Time to Remember
Ask yourself some questions if you aren’t sure what memories to share. What is your favorite memory? How did this person change you? How did they make their mark on the world? Usually these have humor and sentiment and you’ll find comfort as well as a “story”. Get the facts about the person, even if you think you know them all. Take the time to ask other people close to the person you are eulogizing. Of course you want to know their age and all the biographical facts you can. It may seem impersonal but you may be surprised at what stories will come from simple questions like, what year was she married.

Come up with a Theme
I realize this may sound like you are writing a paper and may appear cold-hearted, but will help you focus. My aunt was a great cook and I talked about her cornflake potato casserole she always brought to holiday dinners. It was simple and perfect, much like my aunt. I used that to expand on my memories and love for her. The simple ideas are usually the best. My grandmother was a teacher and I used that to show how her love for sharing and teaching all her children enriched so many lives.

Write it Down
No one expects you to have a speech memorized so write down what you want to say. Forget about keeping eye contact and all the things you read about presenting well. You aren’t here to entertain. You are saying goodbye and sharing the life of someone important to you. If you need to read word for word than do so. You will find that your emotions will carry you, rather than hinder you and your words will come from your heart more than from the paper they are written on.

Practice, Practice, Practice
After you have written your draft, practice it to yourself then someone else. Then edit and practice again. I found each time I read it I thought of something else to add or I could go into more detail. Practicing helped me be more comfortable and allowed me to be spontaneous when I remembered something at the last minute.

If you are used to speaking in public this is very helpful. I wrote a post on public speaking that can help, but remember, this is about sharing your memories so that should be first in your mind, not how well your presented.

Laugh and Share the Laughter
Life is made up of many moments and a lot of them are funny, whether intended or not. Be sure to include some of them that you shared with the deceased. Laughter always eases pain and helps us to remember that life goes on. Don’t shy away from it, but embrace the moments that made him or her human. They are usually the best.

It is a Gift
Now I know some people may disagree with me and this is where it becomes very personal for me. But writing the eulogy for my aunt and grandmother was my gift to them and it some ways to those that loved them but even more it was a gift to myself.

It was a gift to my grandmother because I was able to tell her how she had made me the person I was proud to be today. It was a gift to many people there because I was able to share memories and remind them of what a special person they all had been privileged to know. Both of these are important, but really the best gift you can give yourself is the gift of sharing your love for the person you are writing about. During the time you create the words that become stories and the stories that become your gift you will have relived a lifetime with that person. And every time you read it again to yourself you will be able to capture that in a moment and feel the love and joy that person gave you.

So in the end the gift I gave myself is really a gift from my grandmother.