Archive for the ‘Funny Experiences’ Category
Saturday, June 21st, 2008 |
I know that most of these will have readers thinking a little about their behavior. These are based on my experiences growing up in the Heart of Dixie.
Lindsay Mulder
- Fat kids are only cute if they belong to someone else.
- Just because people don’t say that your children aren’t hideous doesn’t mean that they aren’t. Stop finding modeling agencies for your ugly kids.
- A politician’s wife supports him. She knows she’ll live in infamy for being married to an alpha male.
- You are only special to your family and friends.
- A hundred years after your death, nobody will care that you existed.
- Regardless of what they say, people don’t like hearing stories about your dog.
- If you are a woman and you join a predominantly male company, don’t whine when they won’t include you in their conversations.
- Women that file lawsuits because a man looked at them too long need to be fired for being too sensitive. Our husbands may work there. You make them uncomfortable.
- If you go out in a short skirt, halter- top and high heels, you WILL be looked at. Stop whining.
- If you don’t want to run the risk of being groped, think twice before heading out to a bar in the middle of the night and getting plastered (more…)
Posted in Awkward Experiences, Funny Experiences, Life Experiences, Relationship Experiences | 2 Comments »
Monday, June 16th, 2008 |
“I know what we can do over our two-week break,” I announced to my sisters one night, after we were debating how to spend our work-free, homework-free, 2-week break.
“Let’s watch 30 horror films!” I’m not even sure how I thought of the idea – or why I decided to pursue it - as my sisters and I don’t even particularly like horror films. But it sounded like a good idea at the time.
“Um, why would we do that?” My sister Danielle asked me.
“Why not?” I retorted.
My brilliant logic won them over, and our quest began.
We started asking for film suggestions from all of our friends (which we would later classify into two groups: Our respectable-taste-in-movies friends versus our smile-and-nod friends). At first it was fun. We would excitedly rush off to Blockbuster and grab some movies, confer with each other, and tell every confused soul we possibly could about our plans.
But after a few days, it became more like work:
“Listen,” I remember my sister Lauren telling me in a very serious tone, “You can’t go to Tom’s tonight. We have to watch three films tonight to meet our quota. We’ll never catch up in time if you go.”
(more…)
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Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 |
I must admit I have used the “mommy brain” excuse more than once in the past five years. There are times that it truly feels as though my IQ has been halved with the birth of each of my three children. So why does new research suggest that motherhood actually makes you smarter? How could that be? Do I just have a warped view of my former life or is it something altogether different?
My theory is that I have temporarily shut off the part of my brain that allows me to say intelligent things. The capacity to think is still there. I just have to use my brain for other purposes at this point. One day, I will flip the switch and blossom into a GENIUS!
This temporary shut down became abundantly clear today when I made a complete ass of myself on the telephone. We are looking into refinancing our home and the gentleman helping us out was attempting to give me his e-mail address. I wasn’t sure if I heard him right, so naturally I read the address back to him…”m as in mom, p as in poop…” I sh*t you not, I said “p as in poop” as if that was the association any normal human being would make. Then I start laughing so hard I thought I was going to p as in pee.
I don’t know which is worse; the notion that this man believes that I am a moron or that he believes I am a complete nutjob. If only I could shut off the part of the brain that cares about what other people think.
by Samantha Brill
Posted in Awkward Experiences, Funny Experiences | No Comments »
Friday, April 18th, 2008 |
As a teacher in high school I had many moments that made the day go by fast. One in particular has always stayed with me.
I was teaching my students how to write a fable in junior English class. I explained that a fable must have animal characters that have human traits. We read several famous fables and I told them that the fable must also teach a moral lesson.
They began to ask questions about the assignment. When is it due? How long does it have to be? Can it have any animal in it? I answered the last question that they could choose any animal they wanted to. Then, from one poor little student, who always seemed to be slower than a teen age girl getting ready for prom, came the question. Could he write about a gorilla?
Yes, I said.
Oh, he said. How do you spell gorilla?
Before I could answer, from the back of the room came out the answer as T-E-A-C-H-E-R.
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Tuesday, March 4th, 2008 |
From my experience, it is worse to be asked if you farted and didn’t, than to be asked if you farted and did.
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Thursday, February 14th, 2008 |
Despite the title of this post, yesterday was horrible. I’ll start at the beginning…
I was scheduled to work at eight o’clock so me and my ride went to Subway. We were there on time, but that didn’t make a difference. No one was there. It took twenty minutes for my boss to arrive. She apologized and noted that she had driven halfway here and then realized that she left the keys back home, so she had to turn around and make the trip again.
I don’t remember exactly what I was doing, but shortly after I started working my boss, who is actually the Regional Manager, came by and asked if I could watch the front while she went to the bank. Watching the front is the manager’s way of saying “If anyone comes in deal with them.” I’m not sure if I said I would or not, but every bit of me inside was screaming No! I am new. What did she expect? Yesterday was like my fifth day of work. Did she expect me to know everything by then?
Anyway, my boss left and I was at the store alone. ALONE! I admit I wasn’t too worried at first because it’s a brand new store and I didn’t think anyone really realized that it was open already. Boy, was I wrong.
Right after my boss pulled out of the parking lot it hit. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! People were coming in by the hundreds…well not really, but the way I was feeling just then, it might as well have been a hundred people. It was more like seven or eight. But still, that’s enough to send a greenhorn crazy! Honestly!
I got through the first two customers with very little trouble, but once I got to the register, WOOSH, I hadn’t a clue how to ring up what he had ordered. Luckily the customer I was helping was really nice. I told him that I was new and he was perfectly alright with that. He said “We’ve all been there before.” I got really embarrassed when I accidentally put steak on his sandwich instead of roast beef. -Well they look exactly the same! He told me that I had made a mistake, very politely, and then I fixed it. The rest of the line looked at me funny when my face turned bright red and I started apologizing. I could almost hear their thoughts as I worked my way down the counter with the sandwich. Argh!
Fortunately my boss showed up just as my register problems started happening. I was glad she had returned, but the fact that she was upset with me didn’t improve the way I was feeling. In fact it got worse. I did my best to just keep smiling and I pretended like I knew what I was doing and actually I came to realize that I knew a lot more then I thought I did.
My boss never yelled at me or wrapped her hands around my throat, but I could tell she was upset. The look on her face when I asked all those questions was one of pure acrimony. As the day trudged along, however, her mood lightened up. Soon after the rush, she was laughing and joking just as if this morning never happened. For that I was grateful.
My ride picked me up at four o’clock and we headed home. As she drove I related my awful experience of work. I also told her that despite the horrid nature of my morning, I was glad for it. Why was I glad? Because now I had something to Blog about. Isn’t that sad? My life is so utterly boring that it has to be made abhorrent in order for it to be interesting.
Anyway, about the title. My day reminded me of a quote I once read and it goes as follows: Through clever and constant application of propaganda, people can be made to see paradise as hell, and the other way round, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise. …Yeah, I never was a big fan of Adolf Hitler. But he is right. If a Richvillian (….I hope you don’t mind if I just start making up words for you-) were to see a pauper and how wonderful their life really was (should that be the case) then they would see their “paradise” as a sort of hell. And were the pauper to see the Richvillian’s life he may think just the opposite. Life is strange. Why is it that we always want what we don’t have?
Julia Willis
Posted in Funny Experiences, Office Experiences | No Comments »
Monday, February 4th, 2008 |
It was a time when I questioned who I was and if I should go on living to see what I would become. It would have been easy to hit rock-bottom, but my mom offered her hand…and her credit card. I’m talking about the time I accidentally dyed my hair gray.
I’ve been a chemically dependent blonde for a few years. Every six weeks my hair becomes a famous miniseries based on an Alex Haley epic. Read: Roots. All’s fair in love and hair, but one summer I decided to flirt with the dark side. I love chocolatey brown hair, but know I couldn’t achieve it without succumbing to another chemical dependency that could be even more grueling.
I settled for ash brown. The woman on the hair dye box looked blondish, but darker. I liked. This way, I could make a change that wouldn’t seem dramatic to anyone but me. I dyed my hair late at night. My mom, sister, and I had plans to go shopping the next day, so I rinsed my hair, conditioned it, and went to bed. It appeared to be light brown.
I can only imagine what I looked like lying in bed the next morning: birds chirping, suburban dogs barking, and light shining in from the window. The rays of sunlight shone on my sleeping face - freckles dotting my cheeks and nose, dark lashes crunchy with sleep, lips dry and slightly parted, hair as gray as steel wool.
Minutes later, I sat up, saw myself in a mirror, gasped, put in my contacts, and gasped again. My hair wasn’t ash brown. It was just plain ASH. Had the fires still been lit, I’d have jumped in and let the whole thing burn.
I screeched for my mom, instead of leaving my bedroom to seek her. No need to freak her out. I’ve seen the movie Big. I know how terrifying it must be to see your teenage daughter morphed into a geriatric woman.
My mom came in and God bless her, she didn’t laugh. I looked older than her! (She clearly knows to respect her elders). My mom told me to wash my hair again and consulted my sister, Megan.
I rinsed and pulled and cursed and repeated. I checked the shower drain for gray run-off. No such luck.
(more…)
Posted in Female Experiences, Funny Experiences, Shopping Experiences | No Comments »
