Anyone Can Be A Motivational Speaker
I needed to get some business cards made up and I noticed some room on my card beside humorist so I wrote in “motivational speaker“. I guess that makes me official. I’m a motivational speaker now! We’re not talking about a motivational speaker like my Uncle Edsel, who could motivate you to step in front of a bus just so you wouldn’t have to listen to him anymore. I get paid to be a motivational speaker, so I guess that makes me a pro. I’m not exactly sure what I motivate people to do, but, hey, it doesn’t matter – most of them don’t have a clue either!
Anybody can do it, you can be a motivational speaker too! I’m trying to talk my cousin Charlie into being one ‘cause he can’t hear out of his left ear and has been caught on fire twice, and everybody knows the worse off you are, the more successful a motivational speaker you’ll be. He says if he can lose another toe at his landscaping job it would look better on is resumé. My cousin, Pearl, was just named Queen of Crowder’s Creek and winning a pageant will shoot you straight to the top of the motivational speaker chain.
Did you ever know anyone who wanted to be a motivational speaker as a kid? You don’t dress up as one for Halloween – you don’t take motivational classes in college where you get in a circle and practice cheering each other up. More often than not, it’s the job you turn to when you fail at everything else. That makes it perfect career for me. It’s all those failures that make for good touching stories. Or, if you’re like me, you just have some room left on that business card.
So, of course, I had to start spending time with motivational speakers – to learn the secret handshake – speak their vocabulary – use words like “realize your potential”- “pole vault emotional baggage” – learn things like how to break a board with your hand and tell stories about lighthouses and starfish. But I’ve got to honest. Hanging around with motivational speakers can be tiring. They’re so incredibly upbeat all the time. Try to complain and they start cheering at you and giving you an acronym that will improve your life and can be repeated in the shower. I can only take that for so long before I have to curl up with a box of chocolates. Nothing like a little self destructive, high calorie snacks to lift your spirits.
Motivational speakers are like therapists – they just do it on stage in front of hundreds of other people. I don’t think I could be a therapist, patiently listening to some housewife moaning about her husband dumping her for the girl who works at the dry cleaners, her dog getting run over by the street cleaner, and how her mother never loved her during puberty, and I can’t be supportive. I’m like, “Oh, man, it sucks to be you. Here’s some pills. Take ‘em all!”
That’s the hard thing. You’ve got to speak to groups full of people with “real life experiences” and tritely tell them how everything is going to be great! Honestly, I got a call from this lady who said she was with the Organization of Legless Suffers of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Said she wanted me to come in and make them forget about their problems. And I’ve got to come in and give them a heart-wrenching story about the time the check bounced at the country club and we couldn’t show our face there for weeks.
Just forget about it if you’re having a bad day. Believe me, no one will give you a lick of sympathy when you sob about your beer swilling, couch potatoe boyfriend blowing the rent money on pokemon cards?
And the competition is fierce! I lost my last job to a deaf lady with no limbs who paints pictures of dogs with her tongue. It’s just not fair.
Yeah, I give up. I don’t think I want to be a motivational speaker anymore. It’s too gloomy. I’m taking it off my card. I think I’ll be a beauty consultant instead. I heard anyone can do it.
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It’s true it’s difficult to be a motivational speaker, but I suppose that’s the challenge that you take on when you say you want to motivate people – you’ve got to be prepared to motivate anyone, no matter how impossible it seems. Some of the worst audiences are businesses who really do need motivation to work, but just seem impossible to get them on the right track!
In today’s hectic job life we are suffer from lack of motivation. A motivating speech gives us inspiration for a new start_____