I know that most of these will have readers thinking a little about their behavior. These are based on my experiences growing up in the Heart of Dixie.
Lindsay Mulder

  1. Fat kids are only cute if they belong to someone else.
  2. Just because people don’t say that your children aren’t hideous doesn’t mean that they aren’t. Stop finding modeling agencies for your ugly kids.
  3. A politician’s wife supports him. She knows she’ll live in infamy for being married to an alpha male.
  4. You are only special to your family and friends.
  5. A hundred years after your death, nobody will care that you existed.
  6. Regardless of what they say, people don’t like hearing stories about your dog.
  7. If you are a woman and you join a predominantly male company, don’t whine when they won’t include you in their conversations.
  8. Women that file lawsuits because a man looked at them too long need to be fired for being too sensitive. Our husbands may work there. You make them uncomfortable.
  9. If you go out in a short skirt, halter- top and high heels, you WILL be looked at. Stop whining.
  10. If you don’t want to run the risk of being groped, think twice before heading out to a bar in the middle of the night and getting plastered
  11. If you can’t support your kids, stop reproducing. Work with what you have.
  12. Your kids are your responsibility, not your parents. Find a sitter…and pay them.
  13. No matter what you think, a pregnant teenager isn’t cute. She’s sad.
  14. If poetry helps you de-stress, that’s great. Stop reading it to everybody. The look on your face tells everyone your mood.
  15. If you punch a guy in the face, don’t be surprised if he hits back. To call the cops on him may land YOU in jail.
  16. High school only seems to last forever…if you’re unpopular.
  17. A tattoo on the lower back is called a “tramp stamp”. No that you know this, think twice before getting that butterfly.
  18. Naval piercings are no longer special. Every trailer-park trixie has one.
  19. Stop glaring at women in Wal-Mart. Nobody wants your boyfriend…even if you convince him to bathe.
  20. You may look good under bar-lights, but remember, there are always girls better looking than you.
  21. A white girl booty-dancing just looks stupid. Stop doing it.
  22. A mature woman does not like a violent man. It isn’t cute. It isn’t intimidating. We just feel sorry for you.
  23. If you’re a big girl and your skinny friend says that an outfit looks “cute” on you, go change.
  24. “Anorexic” isn’t a fashion statement.
  25. It may be flattering to be hit on by an older guy when you’re a teenager, but it doesn’t make it sexy. He’s a pervert who can’t find someone his age willing to date him.
  26. Smoking isn’t cool…especially when you have three teeth.
  27. If you think you are too fat to wear a bikini, don’t wear one.
  28. Moustaches on girls aren’t cute. How do you NOT notice it?
  29. It looks trashy to go without a bra if your breasts hang to your tummy.
  30. By the time you are 35, it isn’t sexy to be a drunk party girl. Go home.

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